Showing posts from April, 2019

Suicide attempts using poison have surged among young people, particularly girls

The increase in the past decade is most extreme among girls.

FDA clears Philip Morris’s heat-not-burn iQOS tobacco device

The Food and Drug Administration, after an almost two-year review, cleared Philip Morris’ iQOS — a heat-not-burn tobacco device designed as an alternative to conventional cigarettes — for sale in the...

Medicare-for-all advocates get their first hearing on Capitol Hill

Supporters contend such a system would ensure universal coverage, be simpler and more cost-effective.

The Health 202: Medicare-for-all champions might not hear what they want at first Hill hearing today

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COFFEE ENEMAS! Alllll of the Deets

Hi guys!! Thank you for bearing with me with this sporadic posting schedule these days. It’s been so nice to take this downtime to heal and just post when I feel inspired to — and also use Instagram captions to pour my heart out on the daily in mini blog post style.

It’s so fun to connect all over the place. Truly. What I’ve realized about myself is that connecting and expressing myself creatively is what I LIVE for… it’s my lifeblood. If I’m not doing it in some form or another, I feel lost and purposeless and can hardly breathe. So being able to switch up the connection between this blog, Instagram, the podcast, and other forms of social media, ANNND IRL of course, has been such a blessing for my soul.

In other words… I am feeling very grateful for our tribe and the various ways we all connect on here & in the real world. It is so, so refreshing to know that in this day and age, I can lay in bed (as I am right now), pour my soul out into the ethers, and connect with humans all over the world.

I have so much to say!! Like for one, Soul on Fire (my pod!!) was featured on FORBES!! Now that was a thrilling way to end my weekend! Alongside of female powerhouses like Gwyneth Paltrow, Elise Loehnen, Jenna Kutcher, & Lori Harder to name a few.

Secondly… I have been channeling up a STORM. I feel like life as I knew it a few months ago even has changed so, so much for the better. I am still not feeling my best but I am healing, every day, and curating my life to work for ME. Instilling new energetic boundaries that are protecting my heart and soul in a huge way. It feels better than words could possibly say. I cannot wait to share everything I have been channeling, but right now it feels good that in most ways I am doing it for me- and that is totally how I will heal.

Now — let’s talk about coffee enemas. Something I have been posting about on Instagram for a while now that has hands down gotten more questions than anything else I have talked about lately. (Besides perhaps the “blue drink” on my IG stories yesterday that happens to be the most delicious and healing coconut water everrrr that I get at the Brentwood Farmer’s Market every Sunday!! That got a lot of questions too, hehe!!).

COFFEE ENEMAS !!

My first ever coffee enema experience was at Surya Spa Ayurveda in the Palisades about 3 years ago, during my first ever Panchakarma experience. One of the fabulous women giving me my treatment handed me a tube attached to an enema bag full of green liquid. She didn’t know I had never done an enema before so I looked at her blankly like, “What am I supposed to do with this tube?”

She smiled and said, “Ooooh, I didn’t realize it was your first time. This is an enema. You’ll stick this inside of you to cleanse your colon and remove the toxins.”

“Inside of me, like… in my butt???” I asked — totally shocked and wanting to make sure I was indeed correct before actually sticking this thing in my body.

“Yes!!”

I was hesitant at first thinking oh god what have I gotten myself into… but after inserting the tube, letting the coffee (green coffee — we’ll get to this) flow in, and holding it for what seemed like FOREVER but was no more than 10 minutes, & releasing it in the toilet, I FELT LIKE A NEW WOMAN!!!!

I was then ALL ABOUT THE COFFEE ENEMAS. It never even occurred to me that I could do an enema myself at home, so I began going to Surya Spa to do them every so often. Sometimes they’d give me a coffee enema, sometimes an oil enema (also great for binding to toxins/parasites and nourishing/rehydrating the colon, as coffee enemas are more harsh) and every single time I would feel like I was GLOWING from the inside out afterward, and felt so, so clean on the inside.

At that time I was doing them pretty infrequently but always loved having them as an addition to my seasonal Panchakarmas and the occasional liver cleanse I would do. (They are a huge part of liver cleansing.)

Fast forward to my getting diagnosed with Lyme disease last June, and learning about the MTFHR genetic mutation I have that compromises my detoxification pathways. Compromised detoxification pathways means that basically my organs don’t eliminate toxins the same way as other people’s bodies without the gene mutation — so being exposed to toxins, mold, pollution, etc. of any kind stays in my body and is very hard for my liver/skin/kidneys/colon/blood to filter out.

Right away I started on a bunch of new Lyme meds, and was told by my doctor to take the detox process very seriously. That includes sweating through the skin (infrared saunas), eliminating through the colon (enemas and colonic hydrotherapy), using charcoal binders so that the toxins actually come out in my sweat/stool, lymphatic drainage, ozone for my blood, and various other forms of detox.

During that time I picked the coffee enemas back up as well as started to get weekly colonics. I know, I know… WEEKLY colonics?!?! People may tell you that’s “dangerous” and “may obstruct the lining of your colon/stomach” or “may wash away all of your good gut bacteria.” All I have to say is, to each their own, and when you spend time educating yourself on colonics (and find an incredible colon hydrotherapist) you learn that is totally not the case. They are a healing godsend in my opinion! We will get into colonics on another day.

And even with weekly colonics, it’s important to cleanse the colon even more regularly for those of us who are sick and in a heavy detox process. Also, for anyone who thinks they may have parasites (as I do), I would say that enemas are a MUST!!

FYI this photo is PRE-insertion…. LOL… my mom thought otherwise when I texted this to her once.

Who Are Coffee Enemas For?!

I feel that coffee enemas are for everyone, but most of all for those of us who are sick. Chronically ill patients need to find all of the ways to detox as possible, and enemas are a very effective, safe, easy, and affordable way to do just that. Especially if you are chronically ill and on a lot of medication that causes you to “herx” (have detox reactions) and to feel sluggish/ill from all the detox…. you need to be getting these excess toxins out of your body!!!

I know plenty of perfectly healthy people who do them as well. But if you are on any type of cleanse or detox, or living the detox LIFE as us chronically ill patients currently are, it’s important to get those toxins that are being shaken up in the body up and OUT as quickly and effectively as possible!!

In the Gerson therapy, coffee enemas are practiced multiple times a day along with a very nutrient-dense diet and lots of fresh, cold-pressed juices every day. If you are doing the Gerson therapy, its important to note that you should be having more juices daily than coffee enemas — not the other way around!! The juices nutrify the body and push the toxins into the colon, and the enemas release the toxins!

If you don’t feel comfortable starting coffee enemas at home having never tried them before, talk to your doctor or your holistic healer about whether they are right for you. I am by no means endorsing them & telling you to do them– but shedding light on how much they have helped me in my daily quest to feel better while struggling with Lyme disease, mold poisoning, MCAS, and parasites.

Sooo… Why COFFEE?!

When we talk about coffee enemas, we are not talking about your regular old Alfred’s cold brew coffee (lol). That might be incredibly painful. We are talking about organic, light roasted, freshly ground coffee beans that will usually result in a “green coffee” type of color.

The caffeine stimulates the liver, a main organ of detoxification, to produce more bile. Bile is a bodily fluid that has a role in fat digestion and into which many toxins, both internally and externally generated, are dissolved for removal from the body out through the gall bladder, small intestine, and colon.

This causes the muscles of the bile duct to relax, opening it widely to produce a large flow of bile from the ball gladder into he small intestine. This allows the liver to rid itself of toxins quickly. Also, the theophylline and theobromine in the coffee dilate blood vessels which further increase blood flow to the liver.

The coffee also increases glutathione production in the body (very important for healing from Lyme!!) which is a key detox enzyme, by 600% to 700%!! That is via the action of the coffee’s palmitic acid. GST shuttles toxins for binding with glutathione, which neutralizes them and carries them out of the body in the bile.

For people who ask whether the caffeine will disrupt their system if they are too sensitive to drink caffeine (which I can relate to!!) I have learned that the answer to that is different for each person. I personally can’t do coffee enemas too late in the evening or they will keep me up at night. But they don’t make me super jittery when I do them in general, the way that drinking coffee does.

Technically if you have a strong gut lining (and you do not have leaky gut) then the coffee shouldn’t get into your bloodstream or go anywhere other than your colon/liver. But if you DO have leaky gut, as many of us chronically ill warriors do, then it’s likely you may feel the effects of caffeine a bit stronger.

On that front I would say try it yourself and be the judge for your own body. If you can’t take as much of the caffeine, do half of the amount! It will still be beneficial!

How to do a Coffee Enema?!

Okay so I use this organic gold roast coffee which is 100% organic and has 87% more palmitic acid (important for the detox process) and I use these enema bags but it looks like they’re currently out of stock… so this is another great option. This one is reusable so you’ll just have to keep it really clean!

To roast the coffee, I use this French Press. Super affordable on Amazon, easy to keep clean, and has lasted me so long!! Don’t put this on the stovetop directly but rather heat up water in a pot, add the coffee, pour it into the French Press, and let it roast for about 30 mins (or even overnight) before using.

Here is a step by step process for doing the enema:

1. Boil 4+ cups of purified water on the stove. Once boiling, add in 3-4 tablespoons of organic enema coffee (I love the one I linked above) and let it steep for about 30 minutes.

2. Once boiled and steeped, pour it into the French Press (sometimes I even let mine steep in the French Press!) and allow it to cool so you don’t burn yourself. I often do this ahead of time by boiling and roasting overnight, and then adding a bit of hot water to the cooled coffee in the morning to make it a nice warm temperature.

3. Make yourself a comfy place in the bathroom to lay down. I like to lay down a towel with another towel as a little pillow, set my iPhone to some calming music or a meditation, and get the space nice and cozy. Have your enema bag ready & some lubricant, like coconut oil!

4. When you’re ready to do the enema, bring the French Press into the bathroom, press it down, and pour the coffee into your enema bag. Make sure the CLAMP is on tight so that the coffee doesn’t pour right out of the tube when you pour it in. Also make sure there are no little coffee bean granules in your bag because you don’t want to get those inside of you. The French Press mesh filter should take care of that. Lube up the end of the tube so it will go in nice and easily.

5. Lay down on your RIGHT SIDE (where the liver is!) insert the tube about 2-3 inches, with the clamp still shut. When you are nice and comfortable and ready to go, you can shift the clamp to open and let the coffee slowly flow in. The water should be Luke warm — not too hot, not too cold, this will be best for stimulating the flow of bile.

6. Hold the bag well above you (or hang it on your shower door or somewhere that works for you if you bought the kind that hangs) until the coffee has all flowed in. If you feel like the amount of liquid is too much for you, you can stop midway and do your enema in halves. (This will just take twice as long but if you have the time, that is fine!!).

7. It’s best to hold the coffee in for 10-12 minutes. If that feels totally impossible, know that you will work your way up to it!! I have had enemas that I have only been able to hold in for 30 seconds before going to the toilet to release, but other days I am fine to hold it for the full 12 minutes or more! It also depends on how much water you use and you’ll find your perfect formula for YOU.

8. Once you’re ready to release, go to the toilet & know that you may be sitting there for a while. First will come mostly liquid (usually) and then the second half of what comes out is usually denser and more bile-heavy/coming from deeper within the body/liver.

9. Once you are fully released, you should feel glowy, light, and energized!!!! Clean up your bag so that you can use it again, and if you’re like me… make more coffee immediately so you have more to use for later while you’re thinking about it!

Me post-enema last night… chillin, stretching, healing, feeling good. <3

Other important tips:

1. If you are doing enemas regularly (or at all), it’s important to take a binder of some sort. I take a charcoal binder, which binds to toxins from mold toxins to parasites and helps them eliminate easier in the process. This is the one I take, and it’s strong!! Take it the night before if you’re doing an enema in the morning, and take it act least 1 hour away from all other supplements and food.

2. If you’re doing enemas regularly it’s also important to nourish the colon so it doesn’t get dehydrated or irritated. I like to do this with oil enemas (sesame oil is great, or a personalized Ayurvedic oil if you have access to an Ayurvedic doctor), which you can hold for much longer than coffee- even overnight! The oil will also bind to toxins and rehydrate the colon.

3. Chlorophyll enemas are great to do a few hours after a coffee enema from time to time to bind to leftover toxins, cleanse the colon, and nourish/hydrate on a deep cellular level. To do this, you just use 4 cups of water with a dropper full of liquid chlorophyll, and do the enema as you would a coffee enema!

4. NOURISH your body frequently with fresh, organic, cold-pressed juices like celery, carrot, carrot-apple, and all sorts of green juices and fresh, plant based foods so that your body is replenishing the nourishment / electrolytes it is losing through the enemas. This process of nourishing & detoxing goes hand in hand — detoxing is not really safe without the important nourishment aspect.

5. I mentioned this above but be very careful of coffee bean granules getting into your enema bag!! Use a safe French Press or another method to make sure you are only getting the liquid of your coffee in your enema bag and in your body.

6. If there is air in your tube along with the coffee, it will make you gassy! Release the air by releasing the clamp and letting out a tiny bit of liquid into the sink/toilet before you begin your enema.

7. It is SAFE to do a coffee enema daily while you are healing (as long as your doctor agrees), or even twice daily as I do. Its important to supplement with healthy foods, binders, and hydration if you are going to do them twice daily or more.

7. ENJOYYY! If you don’t like the way coffee enemas make you feel, don’t do them!! I am huge into the fact that healing is different for EVERYBODY, and while I believe deeply in coffee enemas & they have helped me tremendously, if they don’t feel healing to you… don’t do them! There are lots of ways to heal and detox and I want you to find the way that works best for YOU!

The benefits I have personally noticed are outrageous– clearer skin, MUCH clearer digestive system, less gas/bloating, less feelings of sluggishness/overall detox misery, more energy and lightness and awareness of my body. It also helps to give me a good indication of HOW I am doing internally– if my coffee enema is painful and explosive (sorry if TMI) then I know I need to be more gentle and have more rest. If it’s easy and smooth, I know I am in a good place.

Alright, there you have it!! I feel like there is so much more to share about coffee enemas but hopefully this answers your questions and gets you started on the right path.

Let’s NORMALIZE this talk of detoxing and healing even when it comes to talking about eliminating through our colons!!!! We are allllll on this path of healing together, and we’ve got this. Anything that will make us feel better and help with the healing process I am a *HUGE* fan of.

If you have any other coffee enema questions below, tell me!! I will also be having my colon hydrotherapist on the podcast in the near future I hope to answer more questions about how important it is to cleanse/detox our livers & colons.

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Updates, Updates: Becoming My Own Healer & Going Within

Hi guys! It’s been a little bit since my last update about taking a little break for my health. I have been doing exactly that, and it has been amazing. I have learned so much from going deep within, and I know I am only just beginning.

I wanted to use this space to share my recent experiences going inward & to answer some questions I have been getting about where I am in my healing process, healing modalities I have pursued, Lyme treatments, all of it. I am still figuring that out, but I will do my best to explain where I am right now. I feel really happy with where I am now after hitting an insane rock bottom that I am still climbing back from.

Setting the Scene //

So, first let’s set the scene. I am sitting in Malibu with my mama listening to the ocean waves roll in. It’s a sunny, warm day, I feel the sun’s rays warming skin, and it feels good to be ALIVE. I am trying to do more things each day that make me feel alive — like I am one with this human experience because being so sick for so long has often made me feel like I am not.

I am making a point to get outside more and let nature heal me. I can’t run on the beach like I once did (yet at least) but I can go to the beach, sit in the sand, listen to the magical sounds of the ocean, feel the sun on my skin, and let it all remind me of the power of the earth, the power of nature. We are all here for a reason, reasons beyond what we could EVER believe — and shifting my mindset to KNOWING & believing that life is happening for me and not to me has been deeply healing.

So in truly believing that, I know that being sick right now is not something to be afraid of or to get extremely down about. Yes, it’s hard to wake up every day with such exhaustion and pain (and sometimes dizziness and nausea and more) that I don’t even know if I will be able to get out of bed, but I can also shift my perspective to see that I am experiencing all of this for a reason.

My belief is that I am experiencing chronic illness because it’s time for me to wake up to a higher consciousness. Life has had to figure out a way to knock me down in a big way in order for my eyes to be opened. I know this may sound a little out there to some people reading and may also be triggering or upsetting to people who are in a similar position of chronic illness because many parts of it are so hard and so painful.

But what if it didn’t have to be a bad thing to be sick? It can still be hard and painful, but what if everything is playing out exactly as it is supposed to? Shifting to that kind of understanding is not only healing but exciting, because that means that the possibilities of what this time in my life will bring are limitless. Infinite. And it means the same for you too.

Going inward //

Going inward has been my greatest healer. Trusting my intuition has become my own biggest teacher. Realizing all of this has been incredible, because I’ve known it all along (we all know it all along) but I didn’t believe it in my bones until very recently.

What made me believe it after all this time, you’re probably wondering? There were a few catalysts. I have been seeking answers for my illness for so long now, just trying to feel better, just trying to heal. I have been so desperate to “feel better” that I have committed to just about everything / anything you could ever imagine… and it’s all been outside of myself.

Very recently, I hit a breaking point with all of that. I describe it as feeling like I was on a hamster wheel, running as fast as I possibly could, and everything in the universe and inside of me was telling me to GET. OFF. THE. WHEEL. To just breathe and let be. To go within and find the answers there.

Well… that was scary!!! Going within is terrifying. Most of us will spend our lives searching for answers outside of ourselves rather than going within. Sitting alone with our thoughts for 30 seconds can be terrifying, let alone 30 minutes, hours, days on end, or more. We always want to believe the answer is somewhere outside of ourselves — if we just meet that ONE PERSON or that ONE HEALER or hear of that ONE TREATMENT that healed someone else… we want to believe it will heal us too!!

And I’m not saying that’s not possible. Anything is possible. But when I finally hit my breaking point I realized that for me, going within is going to be more healing than anything else I could ever do.

Hitting my breaking point //

You probably noticed if you have been following me for a while that when I was in Canada a few weeks ago studying the Gerson therapy, I hit an absolute breaking point. I was walking around with a perpetual flulike misery trying to live life, travel, study, learn, keep running on the hamster wheel. I had been force feeding my body juices and veggies (as part of the Gerson therapy) for weeks, over-stuffing myself on multiple juices a day + food.

(Again, nothing wrong with that for many people, but it’s what contributed to my breaking point.)

Finally my body just blew up. I developed full body hives and then came home and was hit with the WORST flu I have ever experienced in my life. I was on the bathroom floor shaking, teeth chattering, sobbing, and feeling so dizzy I felt like I was trapped in a black hole. The exhaustion was so intense I felt called to cancel my entire calendar for MONTHS ahead. The despair so great that I felt the impulse to turn off my phone for a month and have people solely contact me through Jonathan or my mom.

I knew I was hitting a rock bottom. Sinking into it with wild abandon. And guess what? I wasn’t mad about it. I completely threw up my hands in surrender. I knew that something in the universe was trying to get me to shut up, stop moving, and listen.

It’s hard to know what to do from there when you’ve hit a solid rock bottom. I knew what would be good for me: meditating, being outside, writing, yoga, time with my love and my family, resting, keeping my stress levels low… but all of that sounded like a lot of work and I wasn’t really feeling up to doing anything.

So for a few days I didn’t do anything. I watched many, many episodes of RHOBH and Vanderpump Rules from my couch. It was awesome. I ate only oatmeal and rice cakes and veggie broth for at least a week because it was all my stomach could handle. I didn’t force anything. I didn’t even go to my Lyme treatments because I knew getting IV’s during this time would only further knock me down.

And slowly, after the deep rest, my intuition began to guide me. Or should I say it continued to guide me.

People have continued to share healing modalities and healers and treatments with me, but it just kept feeling off. Even with the most well intentioned, trusted friends of mine’s recommendations, I felt clear that I am not meant to be following those kinds of recs right now. Of course I have had to learn that the hard way by seeing new massage therapists / speaking to healers on the phone and realizing it is all off. Each time it feels like my energy is being sucked out of the very core of my being.

It is not time for me to work with new healers or try any new treatments. It’s time for me to do this inner work.

Doing the inner work //

I began to start every day with a Joe Dispenza healing meditation. First I did his “You Are the Placebo” meditation on YouTube every day, and lately I’ve been doing his “Morning Meditation” on Apple Music. I forced myself to keep my phone on Airplane Mode until well into the afternoon. Every day. I started removing outside distractions and going within.

Since then my meditations have only gotten stronger and it’s been easier to go deep. I am doing at least two meditations a day, but I am also striving to life every moment in meditation. Life can be a meditation, our own personal heaven if we allow it to. We just have to get out of our own way, and detach from our minds.

Every fiber of my being during these meditations tells me that I am my own healer. I have all of the answers. Detaching from my mind, the negative thoughts and the stories I have told myself for years and years, that is what will heal me. My mind will heal and my body will follow suit.

I really, truly believe that we only get sick because we are being called to wake up. That can mean anything to you. I have become a deeply spiritual person, so to me waking up holds a very sacred and special meaning. It’s universal. But even if you don’t believe in any of this spiritual stuff, waking up also just means waking up to yourself! To who you are inside! It’s exciting.

The real work is knowing that even if I were to be sick for the rest of my life, I would be okay. I don’t believe that I will be sick forever, but I know that if that were the case I would be. I am working on the constant act of surrender. And it is really, truly, madly, deeply healing me on deep levels.

Answering questions //

So to answer the questions I have been asked about whether I am still following the Gerson therapy or doing the Gerson therapy health coaching program, the answer is no. I believe it is wonderful and I really do think everyone should listen to the podcast episode I did on Gerson a few weeks back. But for me right now, it’s not the answer. Committing to any program or healer or teacher outside of myself right now is not the answer.

I am still eating SOS-free and plant-based, but the main download I keep getting about food is that it’s really not about the food… it’s so much deeper than that. Food is very healing and it is part of our medicine, but focusing too hard on it or trying to heal entirely through food is not the answer (for me at least). As long as I am eating a clean diet, full of plants, that serves my body and makes my vessel feel good and energized and not bogged down or imbalanced, I am doing the right thing.

As far as Lyme treatments, I feel that my doctor Dr. Erica Lehman is a godsend in my life and was brought into my life for a hugely guided reason. I trust her so much, and the plan she has me on is working for my body even though healing from Lyme is a very slow process. Being my own healer doesn’t mean rejecting medicine or working with a doctor or specialist, it means trusting my intuition to work with the right doctor for me, and do the treatments that will best serve my highest good.

Right now we are doing antibiotic IVs (Rocephin), Myers Cocktail IV drips, and IV Artesinate (an herb for Babesia), among the other supplements and Lyme meds that I take at home on a daily basis. I encourage you if you’re suffering as well to find a doctor who speaks to you, who really speaks your body’s language, who understands how you feel and validates exactly what you know you are experiencing, and go from there.

Also, letting love in is extremely healing. Saying no to the things I don’t want to do. Keeping my circle extremely tight right now more than ever. It doesn’t feel right to me go to most events right now — as a guest or as a host, because that is precious energy that I need to be using to heal. My intuition always knows whether it’s right or off to see/spend time with a certain person, so I have been going with that. There is NO REASON to feel guilty for protecting your own energy and boundaries.

I am spending a ton of time outside, WRITING because it makes me so happy, listening to Oprah’s Super Soul podcast because it speaks straight to my soul, and so much more.

I have so much more to say, but I will leave it at this for now. I am doing the deep work. I am so excited about where it’s leading me. I feel in my bones that so much will be created from this. I want to share it all, but I will be doing so slowly and with great thought. I am not on that hamster wheel anymore and I have no desire to be.

We can all heal, and if you are suffering you are not alone. Not even close. We are all in this together. I am honored to have you here reading and along for the ride — thank you for being interested in my healing journey and for reading what I have to say.

You guys are truly the best. Lots more to come soon. Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. XO

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The Time Has Come to Take Another Break + PUT MY BODY FIRST.

My loves, the time has come for me to take another break. I am not putting rules around it, I am not disappearing from social media, I am not stopping work cold turkey, but I am making a lot of changes and PUTTING MYSELF FIRST. And here’s why…

I have been pushing myself to the brink. Despite my body being totally afflicted by Lyme and co-infections, I have found myself telling a story in my head that goes like this: “Wow. I am superhuman. I am so, so sick, I wake up feeling like absolute shit, and yet I still manage to get through the day and get everything on my to-do list done and run my brand and grow my business and see everyone who matters to me and show up for others and be a great fiancé — damn, I am a total badass.”

Don’t get me wrong, telling myself I am doing amazing is not the problem. I believe in the power of optimism and positive thing to no end. The problem with the story I have been telling myself is that it completely contradicts how my body feels. It is a constant struggle, a severe FORCE to get through all of those things each day. It wraps my heart into a tiny little ball and squeezes it until it can barely breathe because my heart tells me daily (actually minutely…) to slow down, but my mind says, “NO we’re going to keep going. We have to keep going! What will happen if we don’t?”

You might think this sounds really militant of me but sadly this is a very common issue among those of us with chronic illness. Once you’ve been sick for so long it’s just so hard to accept that things… well… they aren’t getting better. Especially if you’re not listening to your body or putting rest first.

You might remember that back in the winter time I took two months off for my healing. I planned on it being a total digital detox but I found that to be too strict, especially because I also realized during that time that sharing and connecting on social media is healing for me. Simultaneously I stopped working, stopped podcasting, cut myself off from a large part of my community (you guys), and didn’t really know what to do with myself. I didn’t like it at all.

So this time there are not those kinds of rules. I will still be on social, but will be taking on VERY minimal partnerships so it’s not really work, it’s just fun. I will still be podcasting, but I am strictly limiting myself to interviewing one guest per week OR one guest every two weeks (still figuring this one out) and filling in the blanks with solo episodes. Still considering podcasting once every 2 weeks as well… would love your input on that.

My breaking point //

And the reason for all of this is that I hit an absolutely huge breaking point over the weekend and earlier this week — the kind of breaking point that terrified me. I knew if I kept pushing, kept going and going at this pace, I would run the risk of living this way forever. Crash and burn, crash and burn, crash and burn, crash and burn. I refuse for that to be my life. I don’t believe in living that way, I would never allow anyone I love to live that way, yet I still have such stress and control about the way I live my own life it’s ridiculous.

I went to Canada over the weekend for a course I signed up for, although my body was telling me it was not a good time to travel nor was it a good time to do a course. I felt that since I committed to it AND since I shared it on my blog/podcast/etc. I needed to hold myself accountable. I also felt that once I got there all would be fine.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. The moment I got to LAX everything felt off. I felt like I was fighting off the flu. I landed in Vancouver and took a shuttle to Whistler, where I got violently car sick and threw up the entire way there. By the time I got to the town I was going to outside of Whistler, I was just ready to fall asleep and let my body rest. I didn’t sleep one single wink that entire night, for several reasons but one was a fire alarm that needed a battery switch so it beeped all night long.

The next day I woke up (except not woke up because I didn’t sleep) with hives on my eyelids and arms that I thought were misquito bites so I didn’t do anything about it at first. As the hours went on, I realized the rash was spreading and that it was most definitely hives and pretty severe welts. By the afternoon I was hardly able to be a part of the class I had gone there to take. I pushed myself to stay awake / be present until that evening, but my body was DONE. My entire body felt like it was on fire. My heart was racing with anxiety knowing how much pain I was in and how far I was from home. I felt so frustrated with myself for pushing my body in this state to be there.

I did sleep that night, and when I woke up on Sunday I was covered even more. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen the pictures. It was BAD. That day I wasn’t able to participate in the class at all. I laid in bed and waited for my shuttle departure time and then headed back to Vancouver — still feeling so far from home. I slept in a hotel that night and was filled with so much longing for Jonathan, Huddy and my parents I could barely breathe. I knew I was headed in for a full blown panic attack…

Fast forward to landing in LA — thrilled to be home, felt that I had learned a major lesson about pushing myself, my hives were going way down, and bam… I woke up with the flu. The FLU. I was so dizzy, nauseous, and foggy I could barely think. I was up the entire night on Tuesday throwing up, shaking, and feeling like I had been totally poisoned. I saw my doctor on Tuesday as well and she was able to determine that I had had mold exposure sometime upon my arrival in Canada.

So now not only was I recovering from mold poisoning but my immune system was so weakened I developed the flu. I sobbed that entire night to Jonathan and my mom saying I wanted / needed to turn my phone off for an entire month and just let people contact me through them if anyone needed me.

Then I got a text from one of my amazing, deeply intuitive friends Mariah Lyons (have you heard her on the podcast?) saying she felt I needed to do EXACTLY THAT.

So that is still on the table but we will see. It does sound absolutely incredible.

Anyway, around 11pm my mom left and Jonathan came home from a work dinner and got into bed with me (but not without showering first because I was so, so sensitive to the smells from the restaurant — another product of mold poisoning / histamine levels rising) and from there we had a very powerful experience.

He was able to calm me down and get me to speak to the pain in my body. Immediately the pain wanted to be seen, heard, felt, and spoken to. It was ALL in my heart. It was a searing, fiery ball of pain right in the center of my heart, and felt like it was being squeezed by a rubber band. Loud and clear it spoke to me: “You’re doing too much. You’re running and running on this hamster wheel of life and you just need to get off. We need to be able to trust you. You know what you need, and you’re not doing it. Please give us what we need.”

Slow down. Be mindful. Stop pushing. Stop being forceful. NONE of this outer stuff matters. Health matters. My body matters. Being present for myself and my family matters. Getting healthy for me and my family matters. Nothing. Else. Matters. Work doesn’t matter. Disappointing people doesn’t matter (because disappointing them is a construct I have made up in my head out of fear of disappointing them to begin with). None of this stress matters!!!! It can be alleviated so easily!!!

Then we proceeded to have a deeply powerful experience that for now I will keep to myself because another thing I realized is that since I share everything SO openly — my heart can not exactly trust what is just for me, or just for me and those closest to me. It’s important to have those things sometimes.

What I will tell you is that I was communicating with my angels and guides and it was a deeply beautiful experience. They shared with me everything I needed to know.

After that I got up and spent the whole night journaling. I wrote down everything I needed to cancel / reschedule in my schedule for the coming months. Immediately I could breathe so much easier. I decided I wanted to continue the podcast… either weekly or every two weeks (weekly for now) because it makes me happy. But ONLY if I stick to interviewing one guest a week rather than piling on guests each week and also appearing on other podcasts/events/etc. every week.

And if I do want to maintain the podcast, that means I need to be very mindful in other areas. Very little energy output in other places so I can save it for that once weekly interview that I commit to.

Also just less stressing about whether people will be upset that I can’t make plans with them or do hardly anything right now. My real friends get it. Anyone who has walked in these shoes gets it, anyone who loves me gets it. That’s really all that matters.

I even got a ton of downloads about food — what I should be eating, how my diet has really served me well over the last year but its time to reevaluate a bit, and more. My body knows EXACTLY what it wants and it is thrilled that I am listening.

I swear after that my fever broke and my spirits lifted. I spent the entire day lying on the couch watching RHOBH yesterday and it felt SO DAMN GOOD. No judgment of myself, no guilt, just pure rest and cuddles with Hud.

Today I am feeling a slight bit better but as my sister just reminded me in a text… that doesn’t mean run out and do a bunch of things!! It means STAY PUT and keep resting.

So that is what I will be doing.

I wanted you guys to know all of this and that I am dedicated to taking it very easy for the next few months — more like the next year. I also have a WEDDING to plan and I don’t want the fun and excitement of my wedding to be dimmed because of how I feel. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a sick person who can’t seem to get her act together and put her health first.

I believe deeply that this experience in Canada was a gift for me to go inward and learn what my breaking point really looks like — to finally BREAK and rebuild. It is time to give myself that gift and that permission.

I am so grateful to Jonathan and to my parents — true saints on this earth. I don’t know where the hell I would be without them but definitely not where I am right now. I am also so grateful to the amazing Dr. Erica Lehman… the kind of doctor who texts you immediately when she sees a photo of you with hives on Instagram, and who checks in on you daily until you feel better. She is my guardian angel. I love this brilliant and loving little team of mine so, so, so much.

Forever in gratitude. <3

XO, would love to hear your thoughts. I am excited about this time of rest and learning how to live differently.